The Rigger’s Emotions While Tying

Ahead of our next improvers class, I've been thinking a lot about the nuances of connective floor and partial suspension ties, especially within newaza ties developed by Yukimura Haruki. These ties are often simple in their structure but incredibly powerful to both riggers and bottoms.

When tying or watching others tie, we often focus on how the bottom is feeling and reacting without noticing the emotions of the rigger. I am certainly guilty of this and tend to simplify it and say that I'm feeling sadistic, dominant or loving. I don't delve deeper into these emotions often but newaza style ties can give me the space to explore my headspace and mindset while also experiencing KnottyButt's reactions. The ties also allow and encourage the bottom to express themselves back and keep the nonverbal communication two-sided.

When we tie newaza style ties, we focus on each other’s breathing. I tune in to her breath and I let her hear mine. She can tell where I am and a little about my emotional state from my breathing and I time my movements based on her breath. In this style, every single little movement has so much power. She often has some freedom to hide herself for a while until I remove that option, I can play with the timing of taking that freedom and even give it back for a while just to take it again. I enjoy the inquisitive nature of experimenting and watching her reactions, it feels playfully intimate.

Photography by ScarRose

I don’t tie when I am feeling genuinely angry or too frustrated, this can lead to communication closing down and boundaries being pushed. Even without the rigger doing anything wrong, the bottom may not feel safe to say if anything feels wrong or if they’re no longer comfortable being tied. There are however negative emotions that I am willing to tie with, this is always negotiated with my bottom and this has been a conversation that I have had with KnottyButt extensively. If I’m feeling sad, lonely or disappointed and the person I am tying with hasn’t caused these emotions then I will still tie, I am more likely to still be comfortable tying if I know the bottom very well and they know why I am feeling that way. Tying together is an intimate act and can open up some vulnerabilities, I think it’s important that everyone involved is prepared for this.

Sometimes emotions will take you by surprise. Of course these will end up happening at the most inconvenient times. Luckily it has never happened to me while performing, it has however happened when we were at an event and space we hadn’t been to before and our ex was there. I felt a little off but once I started tying part of me got very sadistic, which is within our negotiated limits, and then the rest of me got so protective of her that I couldn’t bear to watch her suffer. What I wanted most of all was emotional intimacy and it was manifesting in two contradictory ways. Events in other parts of our lives caused the protective instinct and I had to let it out. I felt grief and love and hope along with the need to protect KB at all costs, I cried and untied her and hugged her. She was confused but happy and we talked it through. We realised pretty quickly that I was still processing a conversation from the previous day about our future, and that my reaction was likely due to this. If this had happened during a scene where we pushed her quite far and she was also in a vulnerable headspace then this could have been a bigger issue than it was.

KnottyButt has pointed out to me recently that when I am feeling both sadistic and emotionally intimate, I tend to tie tighter. I also say some weird and creepy things because this combination of emotions makes me want to squeeze her so tightly, with my hands and with rope, that we become one person. The emotional closeness becomes a want for physical closeness beyond what is possible. These intense emotions in the rigger can lead to some beautiful scenes for both the rigger and the bottom.

Photography by Saltire Photography

KnottyButt is confident in her body and mind, and doesn’t feel shame or embarrassment easily. This makes exploring shame play both more difficult and more rewarding. I am sadistic and usually that manifests itself as physical sadism but exploring emotional sadism is satisfying in a different way.

In contrast, I can get embarrassed about something at the mere suggestion that some people feel embarrassment about that thing. I feel shame in kink easily and without much encouragement. This has led to some interesting experiences when I’m tying KB and when we’ve been to classes on shame play in rope. There have been times where I am feeling intense shame from imagining myself in the position I have tied her in, and there are times I feel embarrassed for her when we are playing publicly or in front of our mutual Dom. I enjoy using shapes which cause her shame slowly, even though I have felt shame throughout the tie. The newaza tie that we will be covering in our next improvers class, a kata ashi kaikyaku, makes me embarrassed as soon as I know the direction we are going in. We start in different places, with me feeling shame before her, but we end up in the same place at the end.